The Deluxe Pizza

(Written Jan 2)

One of my many goals for the new year is to get into great shape so I've decided to implement a Spartan training regiment from here on out. I've done it before and it takes alot of discipline. Having said that, last night I intended to participate in what I call the All You Can Stuff Your Face Last Supper. This would be the last time that I would be able to eat whatever I wanted so I had to choose something special.


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Around midnight last night I drove through the drive-through at a local Whataburger and pulled up to the menu when the girl working asked for my order over the intercom.

"Welcome to Whataburger can I take your order?"

"Yeah, can I have a Triple-Meat Triple-Cheese Whataburger combo meal please?"

"I'm sorry sir I didn't get that can you repeat that please?"

"A Triple-Meat Triple-Cheese Whataburger combo meal."

"I'm sorry sir what was that again?"

"A TRIPLE-MEAT TRIPLE-CHEESE COMBO MEAL!"

"Please drive up to the window."


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I couldn't believe that I raised my voice like that. I'm usually pretty cool but she couldn't hear me after repeating myself three times! At that moment I was reminded of what it was like to work in the Food and Restaurants biz.


[Turn the clock back: 1997- Peter Piper Pizza]


Back in the day I used to be a bus boy at a local Peter Piper Pizza. This was my first job ever and, believe it or not, one of my favorites. I remember when my friends would wait for me to get off work on Thursdays so we could head off to Vertigo's, a night club in Juarez. Every Friday morning I'd go to work completely hungover but I showed up on time every time. Remember those kiddie play tunnels that kids would go through to slide into the pool of fun balls? I was so hung over one morning that I fell asleep in one of those things for almost an entire hour. The boss was so busy with paper work that he didn't even notice I was gone.

Everybody there was cool though. Every weekend my co-workers and I would fill up pitchers of beer from the tap and drink in the dough room between working assignments. One day the Store Manager caught us.

"What the hell are you guys doing?!"

Oh man you should have seen the look on our faces. My friend Jose was pouring beer into my mug when he walked in. We were frozen stiff and it was awhile before I took my next breath.

He just stared at us for what seemed like an eternity. Then he smiled and said, "Where's my glass?"

What are the odds? He said that it was cool as long as we kept it on the low. I proceeded to fill his glass as well as mine and got back to work.



At Peter Piper we had all kinds of pizzas to choose from. If I can remember correctly there was the Chicago Classic, the Cheesburger Pizza, the New Yorker, and several others. There was one pizza however that existed which wasn't on the menu- The Deluxe Pizza. This pizza was derived from a top-secret recipe that had been passed down over the years and it was intended for one specific type of customer- the irate type.



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If the traffic was anywhere from slow to medium we would mark an extremely irate customer's pizza order for "Deluxion". We dealt with irate customers all the time but we would mark a pizza for Deluxion only under the most extreme circumstances. I remember this one incident in particular when one of the cashiers took an order from this guy I knew and didn't like. For as long as I can remember he had always been an asshole and he gave me that "look at this loser" smirk when he saw me working.

I asked Jazmine (the cashier) for his order number and wrote it down on a piece of paper. I went to the dough room in the back and told the dough maker, Jose, to make some DD (deluxe dough) for the order that I wrote down. After he acknowledged the order, he put some new plastic gloves on and took some of the dough he had just made into the men's restroom and rubbed it around the inside of one of the toilet bowls. The restroom door was right there in front of the door that lead to the back so it was easy access. Afterwards, he gave me the dough and I gave it to the girls who were responsible for putting the toppings on the pizzas before placing them into the oven. I told the girls to finish putting all the toppings but to inform me when they were about to put the pepperonis. Once I was informed I then proceeded to hock loogies under all of the pepperonis. The girls then put the pizza into the oven and that was that.

Presto! A Deluxe Pizza ready for the asshole. If he gets sick let him call the Health Department. We have aced every health inspection they have thrown at us with flying colors and we would ace it again. He must have gotten sick from his mom's menudo. No proof no problem.


[Return to Present Time: Whataburger drive-through]


After snapping out of the daydream I suddenly realized that I was at the window talking to the girl directly.

"I'm sorry sir. We've been having problems with the intercom."

In the background I overheard the manager say, "Tell him that his order will be ready shortly."

I made a motion as if I were looking through my wallet and I told the girl, "You know what? I feel like such an idiot. I left my money at home so go ahead and cancel the order. I'm really sorry about the whole thing."

"Oh thats ok sir. It happens all the time. Have a good evening."

"You do the same."